Midlife Crisis
Question: “I often hear about the concept of a ‘middle age crisis.’ Tell me, please: what is this and how is it defined? Does it only occur in men, or does it affect women, too? How does someone get over it?”
A midlife crisis is a long-term emotional state that occurs in middle age (from 35 to 55 years) and is caused by a reassessment of life experiences. Sometimes it is accompanied by depression. This crisis demonstrates that there are regrets about irreversibly missed opportunities, as well as anxiety associated with the advancement of a person’s age and awareness of mortality.
For example, a forty-year-old man can, for no apparent reason, give up a well-paid job, become depressed, start an extramarital affair, or even leave his family while isolating himself from all previously enjoyable activities and social connections. Often, neither the man himself nor his loved ones or friends can understand or explain such behavior.
Midlife crisis is a conditional definition. For some, it passes unnoticed, but others are struck by it with the force of a tornado. As a rule, dissatisfaction with one’s life accumulates gradually, drop by drop, until at some point the cup is overflowing. In addition, the crisis does not have clear boundaries. It can last for one year or can drag on for decades.
Symptoms of a midlife crisis include:
– feeling self-pity
– a sense of injustice in life, or feeling trapped in marriage or work
– depression and loss of interest in many previously significant aspects of life
– changing one’s circle of significant people
– change in value guidelines
– becoming eccentric
– sensing the meaninglessness of life
People of middle age perform a connecting role between the older generation of parents and the younger generation of children. They carry a load of social responsibility on their shoulders. This responsibility also brings with it social conflicts.
People regret that they did not achieve certain goals, have not completed what they planned, and that many goals have remained a dream. However, middle-aged people understand that they must live with problems and everyday concerns. They cannot either live in the past like their parents or, like their children, live in dreams about the future.
The first possible reason for a midlife crisis is the fact that the kids grow up and leave into separate, independent lives. While, on the one hand, parents get more free time for themselves, the problem is that, by then, many of them have lost or had to sacrifice most of their significant interests, and are not motivated to develop any new ones.
The second possible reason for a crisis is associated with relationships with aging parents. It is even more difficult if the parents suffer from cognitive impairment or are weak. So, any free time the parents get from not having to take care of their kids is transferred to taking care of their own aging parents.
This brings on a new wave of dissatisfaction and a feeling that life is passing by and that, even at midlife, there is no time for themselves. Old friendships also start to wane as people become preoccupied with their problems and don’t have enough time to devote to seeing friends.
Middle Age Crisis In Men
A midlife crisis in men often involves a rebellion against imposed rules. Men in this state are actively engaged in finding the answer to the question, “How do I find myself in life?” And this brings to the surface the old teenage complexes where “I want” replaces “I should.”
A middle-aged man reassesses his own life through the prism of missed opportunities. Looking over and rethinking his life values, he tries to find himself, but often follows a false path which leads nowhere. The conversations of men acquire a somewhat doomed and philosophical nature where life appears transient and short-lived and the end feels too near.
During this period, there is a reassessment of life values as well as career goals. Having achieved the desired social role, a certain status, and financial well-being, men undertake an “inventory” of values as well as their achievements, as financial wellbeing no longer gives a sense of stability and reliability.
Often, men start worrying about their health at this stage. They begin medical checkups, exercising, and dieting. This is caused by the fear of death and old age. Some may feel depressed or overly anxious, suffering from insomnia and mood changes that occur several times a day. For many middle-aged men, a moment of truth comes when, looking in the mirror, they discover they have a belly, wrinkles, or grey or thinning hair. These discoveries bring sadness and despair.
Midlife Crisis In Women
Midlife crisis is a definition not only applicable to men, as was previously believed. Women also face a phase of reassessment of their life experiences that can cause pain and a sense of emptiness. These lead to the feeling that many opportunities have been lost; that the best years have past; and that the future looks gloomy.
Many women regret that they sacrificed their careers to rise a family or, alternatively, that family life was sacrificed to make a career if the woman did not become a mother.
Often, a woman is saddened by her reflection in the mirror. Grey hair, extra weight, wrinkles, cellulite, and other numerous changes associated with ageing are experienced with much more pain than they are in men.
What Can Be Done?
Crisis is not the end of the world, but a reassessment of values. It is important for the people close to the “person in crisis” to understand this, and support a person who is transitioning to a new life stage.
Do not try to rush a person through this natural process. It will be helpful to remind the person of his achievements and to let him feel how important and needed he is. It is important for couples to re-evaluate their values in the relationship together, discussing how to bring diversity into their lives.
The person in a midlife crisis needs to be realistic and not exaggerate existing problems, but should also not deny them. Try not to cultivate a longing for years past, but rather, look for the right direction and don’t get stuck in your reflections.
It is important to nurture your love for yourself, find an occupation to your liking, and praise yourself for all of your achievements. Do not become isolated, and take care of your health and looks.
It is important to remember that age does not influence the quality of life. Do not look for evidence of your past irresistibility, but rather, devote yourself to working on your body and appearance – exercise, diet, and a healthy lifestyle. Women may find it helpful to change their hair style and update the clothes in their wardrobe.
Your youth can be significantly extended by devoting a little more time to taking care of yourself. Cheerful, active, energetic people look much younger and more attractive than those who are lazy, pessimistic, and gloomy.
Try to honestly and objectively answer this question: is everything really so bad in your life? Are you really ready to leave this job, or your husband/wife? Undoubtedly, there are moments that you can be proud of in your profession and in your life together. Perhaps you can try to change your attitude towards your work and your routine, or talk with your spouse, first, before destroying a well-established life.
After the end of the crisis, the person’s self-pity will disappear. He/she will reconsider social roles at work, in the family, and with friends, and will have completed a deep reassessment of values to achieve emotional stability, maturity, and a conscious acceptance of life.
Good luck!
Mistakes: How To Move On
Question: “I recently read that we need to be grateful not only for the wins in our lives, but also for the failures and mistakes. What a strange feeling… How can one be grateful when there is nothing to be grateful for?”
We all make mistakes. But, we do not like to remember them. We feel ashamed and bitter as we think about how mistakes hurt our self-esteem (“How stupid and naive I acted! I was such a fool!”)
And we either try to bury the negative experience deep inside, or create the excuse that the circumstances of the situation or actions of other people were beyond our control. The other tactic is to constantly blame ourselves for feeling disappointed and upset.
I do not belong to the group of people that will advise you to forget your mistakes or concentrate on living in the “here and now,” as I do not believe this is the right strategy for working through a negative experience to extract a useful lesson from it.
The past gives us indispensable and very valuable experiences, from which we learn to make rational decisions. We learn from our mistakes, and therefore, forgetting them is not a correct path of action.
Our mistakes remind us of the actions that led to failure, which we should not repeat in the future. They also demonstrate what beliefs and thoughts we need to restructure. If that internal work does not happen, we’ll continue to operate in a vicious circle of bad luck, repeating old mistakes again and again.
In order to turn the bitterness of a mistake into the joy of the lesson, we need to:
– recognize that mistakes are an integral part of every person’s life and that no one is immune from them
– take responsibility for mistakes and faulty beliefs. Admit to yourself that, in all honesty, you were wrong, and analyze what actions or beliefs led to this unfortunate outcome
– distinguish small errors from serious mistakes. We often overestimate the significance of small things and underestimate the real dangers. You do not have to reproach yourself over little things, especially if your mistake caused no harm, but it’s important to seriously evaluate mistakes that have caused major problems in life
– reason logically and reasonably. When the situation which once led to a mistake repeats itself, analyze your next steps. Ask yourself how you could act differently, and how you could avoid the expected negative outcome.
– do not naively assume that the mistake will not happen again just because the participants in the situation are different. The mistake was yours, and therefore, you need to change your behavior or belief
– find support from people who are able to help you understand the situation where you made a mistake or suffered from a faulty belief. This can be your loved ones or friends whom you trust, or a professional psychologist.
Good luck!
Learning To Think Positively
Question: “Recently, everyone is talking about the need to think positively… But how can this be achieved? It’s not as if everyone is born an optimist. How can one learn not to pay attention to various little upsetting things and annoying troubles?”
It’s common knowledge that our physical and psycho-emotional state directly depends on the way we think and what we talk about. Our thoughts define our lives. Many negative things happen, but focusing on the negative is wrong. If life is given to us for happiness, so it must bring joy and pleasure.
Positive thinking is a conscious choice made by each person. Life does not always bring happy moments. Everyone has the right to choose those thoughts that will help them find a more constructive way out of a difficult situation and reinforce the fight against hardship.
Even in the most difficult life moments, you can still find something good. You just need to be able to see it. When you choose positive thinking in life, you can free yourself from the restrictions of negative thoughts and can see that life is filled with opportunities and solutions, not just worries and obstacles.
Positive thinking affects one’s physical as well as mental state and the ability to adapt to circumstances and unforeseen changes in life. When a person realizes this, he receives an ongoing motivation to think positively.
Attitudes towards life depend only on personal choice. If someone is used to depending on the negative emotions of other people, then this is also a personal choice. One needs to realize that thoughts and feelings can be controlled. Once this realization is made, it becomes clear that one can also change thinking patterns.
Often, things seem more significant than they really are, and certainly do not involve as much anxiety as a person actually thinks. Do not allow yourself to succumb to anxiety. You need to calmly think about and make a weighted decision.
Working With Negative Thoughts
It is important to identify those negative subconscious thoughts which do not allow you to look at the world in a different way. When you learn to quickly identify them, you can then challenge and block them. When you identify a negative thought and understand its origin, you are able to counteract it with positive responses.
Black and White Thinking
In this type of thinking, everything that a person encounters is perceived as either “all” or “nothing,” with no other possibilities. For example, if something goes wrong and life is not like a person wanted or envisioned things would be, the situation can immediately fall into the category of being terrible, unsalvageable, and hopeless. Such a person thinks only in two extremes-positive and negative.
But in order to judge a situation for what it is, it is necessary to make a list of all possible outcomes. This approach enables one to see that everything is not as terrible as it seems. If you can see shades of grey in situations, and not just black and white, you can grow to understand that negative situations are not the end of the world.
Personalization
In this type of thinking, a person thinks that if something went wrong, then he himself is the cause of failure. This approach leads to feeling terrible in any situation, or responsible for everything.
To avoid this trap, it is necessary to be rational and think carefully about the causes and all possible factors that could have contributed to a situation’s negative outcome.
“Filtered” Thinking
Some tend to focus on receiving only negative messages, given the information provided to them. For example: your boss praises you for the work you’ve done, but also mentions what could be improved next time. Although your boss is trying to help, you perceive this as a harsh criticism.
If you continue to think this way, it is likely that you will never see anything positive in any critical remark. Meanwhile, after a moment’s reflection, you could have come to the conclusion that the boss’s positive comments significantly outweighed the negative ones.
Catastrophic Thinking
This is the viewpoint in which a person is completely pessimistic and believes that everything is doomed to fail. To counter this type of thinking, one must become a realist and seek evidence against negative beliefs.
Predictive Thinking
Someone may think that if their past relationship failed, any new relationship is doomed to fail, too. And it will most likely fail because that person has already programmed such an outcome in his mind, and the human subconscious will do everything to prove him right.
Instead, it would be helpful to learn from each individual life situation and apply your knowledge to new situations to avoid making the same mistakes.
An effective method to start restructuring negative thoughts is to question yourself. For example: “Is this situation as bad as I imagine it?” or “How can such bad thoughts help me?”
Positive thinking, like any other skill, requires practice. It takes time to cultivate positive thinking, as learning to think positively requires that we develop certain skills and abilities. Learn to praise yourself regularly and make a list of what you could thank yourself for every day. This will have a positive effect on your thoughts and emotions. Try to find something good in all events, things, and people. Praise yourself for the work you have done and do not blame others or yourself for mistakes.
This way, you will be able to reinforce your self-esteem and will clearly see what you were able to achieve through your own efforts.
Learn to perceive problematic situations and people as opportunities that give you the chance to learn and grow. When you see something positive in other people, you can let your thoughts and feelings move in the same direction.
Developing positive thinking will bring you closer towards being able to control your own life.
About Forgiveness: How To Forgive And Let Go
Question: “By nature, I am a very sensitive person. I always have the feeling that life is unfair and that it constantly throws unpleasant surprises at me, either through other people or through situations. I can’t help but feel offended all the time. This accumulated resentment gradually begins to eat at me from within. I really want to change something, but I do not know how to do that. Tell me, please, what I should do.”
Each of us, regardless of age and life experience, has been faced with situations in which we were hurt by the people around us. Some have had more situations like this in their lives and some less, but each of us has our own experience with them.
As a result of such painful situations, we experience very unpleasant feelings. We may feel offended or insulted, and these painful emotions can live within us for many, many years, badly poisoning our lives. Prolonged exposure to strong and destructive emotions can cause significant harm to health. Suppressed moods, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or helplessness, depression, and psychosomatic illnesses can pave the way to developing malignant tumours in our bodies as a physical response to the ongoing pain.
This is why it is very important to learn how to forgive and stop holding grudges and the negative emotions connected to these situations, making room for positive emotions and sensations and for joyful events in life.
The importance of forgiveness is affirmed by representatives of various religions as well as numerous psychologists and teachers. All of them speak as one, maintaining that if an offender appears in a person’s life, this may not just be a coincidence. For some reason, we need to go through difficult and painful experiences, learn to love regardless of the circumstances, and learn to forgive and change something in ourselves.
For example – often when women are hurt by men in their lives, this is a sign that a woman does not love herself enough, or is so immersed in caring for others that she completely loses her true self. She might experience a subconscious, implicit aggression towards men.
Before forgiving…
It is worth mentioning that forgiveness is a hard work. You almost always have to relive the pain that was once experienced, or it can become impossible to let go and forgive. The result that can be achieved, being freed from that heavy weight, is worth it. You will feel freer and easier, and life will shine with new possibilities.
When we free ourselves from the pain of feeling offended, then a place is vacated in our hearts for the creative energy of love. A person then shines from within, and this becomes noticeable to others. If we are able to accept and forgive, then everything becomes much more comfortable and joyful. Before deciding to forgive (and, for this, there are numerous techniques), I recommend taking the following steps.
First, try to understand that, no matter how painful and difficult it is for us, there is much to be learned from this situation. And while we may not feel this because of strong emotions and the feeling that we have been unjustly treated, there is a deep meaning and opportunity, by passing the test, to become better and improve our lives.
Secondly, try to remember all the people that have offended you, who you feel insulted by to this day. Make a list of them and then select those with whom your strongest emotions are connected. You will then have two groups of people.
Now choose someone to forgive. It is easier to work through insignificant insults first and then move to stronger and more painful ones, but some may feel it’s easier to do this the other way around. You can forgive and say goodbye to both a living person and the ghosts from the past that prevent you from living in the present.
Potato Bag
When working with forgiveness, I often tell a story about a Chinese mentor who was consulted by a young man who wanted to learn a bit of his wisdom.
Young Man: “You are so wise. You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that! Teach me!”
The mentor agreed and asked the student to bring some potatoes and a bag.
“If you get angry with someone and feel offended,” the teacher said, “then take one potato. On one side, write your name. On the other, write the name of the person who offended you. Then put this potato in a your bag.”
“And that’s all?” the student asked in bewilderment.
“No,” answered the teacher. “You should always carry this bag with you. And every time someone offends you, you should add a potato to it.”
The student agreed.
Some time passed. The student’s bag became quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with him. In addition, the potatoes that he put in first were beginning to rot. They were covered in slippery slime, had sprouted, and began smelling foul.
The student came to the teacher and said, “It’s impossible to carry this bag around anymore. Firstly, the bag is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes are now rotten and they smell…”
Do you think you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside of you?
Farewell To The Role Of The Victim
Feeling offended destroys you from within, endlessly bringing back the trauma of the situation and causing you to experience being a victim again and again.
Often, holding a grudge is used to justify both the situation in the present and inaction. For example: because I was cheated by my ex back then, I will not even attempt to try and build a relationship with anyone else. Or, I was deceived by my business partner once, so I will not do any more business.
Thus, forgiveness becomes a conscious decision to reject the willingness to suffer any further. It lets you say goodbye/farewell to the role of the victim.
Most of the time, we get hurt when what is happening does not coincide with our expectations and what we consider to be “right.”
The “right parents” are loving parents; the “right friends” are those who will never betray us; the “right partner” is the one who will always be by my side.
And, if not? If the situation did not live up to my expectations, maybe I’m wrong. I am a wrong child, friend, or partner? Maybe the reason is within me, and it is all my fault?
This is how pain and guilt become a part of one’s personality.
Forgiveness allows us to complete the cycle of pain and say goodbye to feeling like a victim. It means forever freeing ourselves from hurting.
Forgiveness is a movement towards a new and better life while holding on to all of our life experiences and lessons gained from that painful situation.
When you analyze the pain caused by someone, stop asking “Why?” Instead, ask yourself: “For what? Why was I given this situation in meeting with this person, and what can I learn from these events?”
The past is our heritage and our experience, and is very valuable, whatever it is. We need to extract all the important lessons from our past, be grateful for them, and accept that this experience was needed for our development.
Hold on to the experience, but let go of your grudge against the person who caused you pain. That person was just a pawn in the development of your soul, necessary to move you to a new level. And if you think that those who offended you and caused you pain do not deserve forgiveness, remember that you forgive them not because they deserve it, but because deserve it. you
Good luck!
