Nikolay Lakutin "A play for 2,3,4,5,6 people. I'm looking for a scarier woman! Comedy"

Why are many girls so obsessed with spectacular looks? Chasing fashion, applying tons of makeup, making plump lips, correcting figures, climbing into loans for branded clothes, cool phones, bright earrings and necklaces? Our hero answered this question and made very unusual conclusions. Which ones? You will find out in the comedy "I'm looking for a scarier woman"!

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update Дата обновления : 20.11.2023

A play for 2,3,4,5,6 people. I'm looking for a scarier woman! Comedy
Nikolay Lakutin

Why are many girls so obsessed with spectacular looks? Chasing fashion, applying tons of makeup, making plump lips, correcting figures, climbing into loans for branded clothes, cool phones, bright earrings and necklaces? Our hero answered this question and made very unusual conclusions. Which ones? You will find out in the comedy "I'm looking for a scarier woman"!

Nikolay Lakutin

A play for 2,3,4,5,6 people. I'm looking for a scarier woman! Comedy


A play in two acts. (Can be delivered as a one-act).


An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.








Action 1

Scene 1. Matilda.

Luxury apartment. Nikita works with papers, checks reports sent by subordinates.

Enter Matilda.

Matilda. Honey, are you too busy?

Nikita (without distracting himself from the reports). Sorry, Matilda, I'm busy. Pavel sent a quarterly report, I'm studying it. To be honest, I have suspicions that a significant part of the proceeds goes past the office. And.... (finding the right lines in the papers), apparently my suspicions are not unfounded.

Matilda. Ah, times, ah, manners. Everyone steals, everyone drags, everyone tries to pinch off a bigger piece for himself.

Nikita (without distracting himself from the reports). Yes… yes… yes…

Matilda (assessing the situation). Okay, well, work, I won't distract you.

Nikita (without distracting himself from the reports). Uh-huh.

Matilda (in a pleading voice). Honey, can I go shopping for a while then?

Nikita (without distracting himself from the reports). Go –go, of course, not a question.

Matilda (after a pause of misunderstanding). Nikita?

Nikita (without distracting himself from the reports). Yes, yes?

Matilda (a little offended). I say I'll go shopping.

Nikita (looking up from the reports for the first time, looks at Matilda, trying to figure out what she needs). Ah, got it. How much do you need?

Matilda (quite). Yes, a little bit.

Nikita. How much?

Matilda. Give me four thousand. No, five is better.

Nikita (taking some crumpled bills out of his pocket, hands them to Matilda). Hold.

Matilda (with a psycho). What are you? Are you kidding me?

Nikita (taken aback). What's wrong?

Matilda (with a psycho). Four or five thousand, but not rubles, Nikita!!! You don't even go to the toilet with the company for these pennies in the Central Department Store, well, what are you doing? Gulnara invited me with her, she wants to buy a couple of fur coats, it's necessary to evaluate how she sits, how she looks… I'm purely for the company, trailer. I don't plan to take almost anything for myself. That's it… if you like something very much… But everything I like is not worth as much as you took out of your pocket. Where, by the way, do you even have this little thing there?

Nikita. Ah, sorry, I've been working hard. I thought you were in the grocery store. Bread, maybe milk, or something akin to that. Of course, this is not enough for clothes. Now. (He goes to get the money, shouts from the back room). And that you have nothing left on the map? Didn't I transfer it to you last week?

Matilda (shouts so Nikita can hear). The ones you sent last week, we've eaten for a long time… And we can't wait for you to send "a dozen new and sweet galoshes for our dinner" again.

Nikita (enters, holding a wad of dollars in his hands). How did you eat it? Have you eaten everything?

Matilda (affectionately). Nikita, well, I'm not just buying groceries at home. The girls and I often drop into restaurants. I took cosmetics for myself, and other feminine attributes, but what kind of questions are you like a little one, really …

Nikita (giving money). Sorry, just asking. Is that enough?

Matilda (quickly assessing the pack with a stuffed eye). Should be enough. If it's not enough, I'll call you. Well, that's it, work, I won't distract you.

Nikita (shouts after the departing Matilda). Are you staying long?

Matilda (shouts "at the door"). I'll come by midnight… probably.

Matilda leaves. Nikita sits down at the documents again and studies them.

Nikita (distracted from the documents). Well, it's clear now what's going where. Okay, Pasha, we'll talk to you, tell us who put you up to such schemes.

He's leaving. The light is very dimmed.

Night. Nikita enters in a housecoat with a phone in his hand, calls Matilda.

Nikita (into the phone). Matilda, did I hear that? Did you say you'd be back before twelve? (Listening to the phone). Oh, you said probably. Well, yes, that makes a difference. Half past two in the morning, for a second, you're not here. You don't call, you don't write. I'm worried. All shopping malls have been closed for a long time. Where are you? (Listening to the phone). Oh, are you at a friend's? Why am I only finding out about this now? (Listening to the phone). Why the jealousy scene? A normal question, given the situation, don't you think? So, Matilda, I'm not charging you with anything, I'm just asking you, why are you making me worry? After all, you could at least write a message that you are there, there. (Listening to the phone). What kind of control? What kind of dictatorship? What are you starting? I'm you… (listens to the phone). O.... It's gone. So, I get it, in general, you're fine, I don't have to worry, right? That's it!

He hangs up.

Nikita (exhales, on nerves). That's what this attitude is? Is it really difficult to call, warn… I'm not a stranger to her… Although… Although actually not native. And who am I to her, really? We are not scheduled, we have been living together for a little more than six months… What she does and where she disappears all the time – I don't really know until now. She said she worked remotely, but she didn't tell me the details, and I always tried not to get into the Soul of a person, if he doesn't speak, then there's no need to torture him with questions… But perhaps my views are not correct? Time goes by, and I'm just lost in guesses. She has meetings all the time. Some friends, some ladies' affairs, and always very expensive …, for me, of course. No, I don't mind the money, I earn enough, I have enough for everything with a vengeance, but still … hmm. And really, what do I know about her? In fact, it turns out – nothing… It's strange that I haven't asked myself this question before. All the cases, all the worries, business, contracts, audit…, rat race … Yes…, Matilda and I have an interesting relationship …

Nikita goes to bed without letting the phone out of his hand.


Nikita is woken up by a message received on the phone.

Nikita (reads with sleepy eyes, in a sleepy voice). Geli has problems, she asked for support. I'll stay with her, don't lose it. I'll be there in the evening. (YAWNING). Oh, this Gel for me.

After washing up and putting herself in order, Nikita comes up with a seditious thought.

Nikita (having dialed a number from the phone book, into the handset). Semyonych, be healthy. Are you awake? Good. No, nothing happened, so I think I'll call, find out how my security guards are feeling. Is everything okay? Great. Can I write out a bonus? Don't? Need to? Is it necessary or not necessary? That's why I appreciate and respect you, Semenych. Listen, could you run one number for me? I want to know where the object was yesterday, where it moved when, where it is now. Not a problem? Thank you, old man, I'll send the number now, but I'll still write out the award to you and your guys, but not because of this, but just like that. You work smoothly, how many times have you been protected from problems. All right, come on, lyrics aside, I agree.

Throws off the phone number. He spends some time doing his own business, receives a report on the phone. Reads in amazement.

Nikita (surprised, taken aback). As my dad used to say: Ash leaves fall from an oak tree, wow, there's none… holy shit. I looked closely (looking closely at the report), and really, it's amazing.... awesome.

Dials the phone number, calls.

Nikita (sternly, matter-of-factly, into the phone). Pavel, greetings. Is it convenient to talk? How is he resting? Well done, are you at your residence? Clear. One? M… Why are you deceiving me? I know that you are not alone, moreover, I know with whom you are there now and yesterday… How do I know? Don't be ridiculous, have you forgotten who I am? Do you think I can draw left-wing reports and have fun with my girl? You can take Matilda for yourself, I'm not interested in her anymore, but the stolen money should be returned. (Distastefully pulling away from the tube after listening to some pitiful story). Pash, I know you wouldn't dare to do that yourself. Without good support and competent management, this scheme would not have worked. Two higher educations of Matilda are affected. Well done, girl, the head works well in every sense. I'm not mad at you, but we won't work together anymore. I will arrange for you to get a month's leave, after that you will resign of your own accord. For this month, please return everything. Where to take it, what to do is not my problem. Sell a couple of cars, mortgage an apartment… You'll figure it out, especially since you have such a big-headed adviser at your side – you'll figure it out. I won't call you anymore, and you don't call me either. If the cash register doesn't receive the money in a month, I will transfer this case to my friends from the 90s, but it would be better if you didn't meet them, they are much less loyal in arguments and beliefs than I am. That's it, have a nice day.

He hangs up.

Literally immediately the phone rings.

Nikita (seeing who is calling, dropping the call and turning off the mobile phone). Matilda… I'm sorry, dear, we don't have anything else to talk about. How did I not guess right away? But… Better late than never. And what was she missing? (To the viewer). Tell me? Maybe I'm some kind of freak? Maybe being around me is disgusting? It seems not a fool, there's a business that's spinning under my wing. He founded everything himself, promoted everything himself, hired workers later, opened branches… Not the most lost person. I almost don't drink, I don't smoke, I practically don't swear. What's wrong?

Brothers, I honestly feel like a leper. I step on the same rake every time. Matilda– she's not my first girlfriend. Before her there was Diana, Nelly, Milena, Lika. Everything is like from the covers, everything is like a selection. Sponges, haircuts, manicurist, eyelashes, eyebrows, breasts, ass… Everything is in the latest fashion. All beauties, all lyalki… But I didn't have a relationship with any of these girls. Sometimes she's a fool, sometimes she's too smart (with a hint of Matilda), well, you saw for yourself. Then a lazy person, then a show-off over the edge so that he does not see people around him… But the main thing is not even that. The main thing is that none of them needed me. They needed my money, yes, but not me.

I understand that beauties know their worth and initially set very specific guidelines for the rest of their lives. It's silly to expect a stay-at-home lifestyle from fifa, cooking, washing, seven on the benches and pies in the evening for her husband. Of course not. But you also understand me, I also do not differ in originality from the majority… What is there from the majority? From all men! We all want to see a beautiful, spectacular, well-groomed girl next to us, who will excite, light a flame in you, feed you with her endless feminine energy. A girl that you want to pamper, that you want to please, surprise, that you want to admire. What? Am I wrong? Who has it wrong? Is there any of the men in the hall who would dream of finding a lady of the heart scarier and more beautiful?

Nikita catches himself thinking. Thinking.

Nikita (pondering). Oh, by the way… That's an interesting thought. A scary girl can almost always be ennobled. Dress her decently, take her to the masters, they will bring such a marathon… This, frankly speaking, is not a problem at all today. But… damn it, maybe just scary, simple earthly girls who haven't tried anything sweeter than carrots in their lives, maybe they don't have all that garbage in their heads that I'm tired of raking among the figs?

Interesting… After all, what am I risking? We must try!

Nikita enthusiastically places an ad on the phone.

Nikita (voicing). So… Dating site… This one will do. Yeah. So: gender, age, photo… and… hmm…, that's good. Uh-huh. What else? Who I'm looking for. The girl. We will indicate the age from, to. Text… We will write the text like this: A man of pleasant appearance is looking for a girl of medium parameters and moderate requests …

No, this is nonsense. It's no good. Moderate queries and averaged parameters are extensible concepts. We need something else altogether. Well, that's it:

A real man! I plow like a horse, I get like a sheep, I live like a dog, I dream like a man, more precisely like Napoleon!

No, that won't do either. Why distort the picture so much? But I can't write who I work for and how much I earn! The hunters will run together again, and I just need to protect them in every possible way from myself, or rather myself from them. It doesn't matter… So-so-so … and it is necessary to write something in a simple way, so that the picture of me is simple, modest, without hints of an aesthete. I'll leave it like this:

I'm looking for a scarier woman to create some kind of relationship.

About me.

I plow like a horse!

I get like a sheep!

I live like a dog!

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