He followed the direction of her gaze and smiled. "It's a great idea."
It might be a mistake to talk to him about such a sensitive subject in a public place, but this was a special occasion and she didn't want to waste it. She had to try. It was all so perfect.
With the second glass of champagne, she decided to make the dreaded announcement. She took a breath, feeling the rapid pulsating of the artery in her neck. Be brave... trust yourself!
"Johnny, I have to tell you something important."
He placed the glass on the table. "I'm listening."
"I’ve been very focused on work in recent months; you know that, don't you?"
"What are you wanting to say?"
"Well, you know..." How hard it is!
"Loreley, what is it?" he began to get agitated. He changed his position.
"I'm pregnant," she told him.
A countless number of times she had tried to guess what his reaction would be. She had imagined everything, but not that he would burst out laughing.
"This is really funny. You're not going to scare me. I’m not falling for it."
Scare him? She was speechless. Her thoughts were muddled and she couldn’t utter another word, but the expression on her face must have said it all, because he stopped laughing.
"You take the pill, you can't be pregnant! Don't joke about it."
"I'm not joking in the least."
"Have you stopped using it without informing me? Without asking my opinion?" he asked her, raising his voice.
"It’s not like that. Don't get upset, keep your voice down..." she begged him, almost whispering.
"Now I understand your behaviour these last few days!"
"Try to stay calm, please!"
"How can you expect me to remain calm after you’ve put me against the wall?" His gaze seemed to express contempt. "How could you play such a rotten trick on me?"
He made to leave, but she stopped him, grabbing him by the arm. In turn he blocked her hand, clutching her wrist: "Don't touch me..." he ordered. Then he let go and without adding anything else, walked out on her.
In disbelief, she watched him go through the door, his step stiff and fast. She felt as if she were suffocating.
Maybe he was feeling just like that too, she thought. She felt betrayed. From his point of view she couldn’t blame him, but she had not done it to him on purpose; this had to count for something.
Feeling let down, she paid the bill and walked to the elevator.
As it descended, she looked down at the city below for the last time, her heart pounding in her chest.
She laid her forehead on the glass wall and closed her eyes. Feeling the tears start, she blinked trying to stop them. Fortunately, people were too busy enjoying the view to pay attention to her.
She hoped Johnny was down there waiting for her, but didn't see him.
Sudden flashes of light made her to look up before she even set foot on the ground: the Eiffel Tower, already illuminated, had just lit up with more bright flashing lights, like the ones you’d see on a grand and sparkling Christmas tree. It seemed to want to encourage her not to lose heart. It was an invitation to smile; and it was successful, even if just for an instant.
On the way back, she called John and sent more than one message to his cell phone, with no reply. When she arrived at the hotel, the room was empty, as she had already imagined.
She kept her phone close to her. But, in the end, realizing he would not return that night, she felt the need to hear a friendly voice and called David. And, for the second time, shared the news of the baby on the way.
Her friend was speechless. On the other end of the phone, all she could hear was a cat mewing.
"Hey, David, say something!"
"My God, Loreley! And that’s how you tell me, over the phone?"
"I have no other way to do it right now. Wouldn’t you agree?" At that moment she needed his comforting virtual hugs, not reproach.
"I am happy about the good news, but not for the situation you’re in now... Holy cow, you should have told him before you left. You would have spared yourself from being alone to face all this!"
"It seemed like a good idea, but it's done now."
"Don't jump to any hasty conclusions," he advised her. "Sometimes the first reactions are disproportionate compared to how it feels when you’ve had time to reflect. Of course, it will be a big change!"
"I would have expected anything, but not to get pregnant. I wasn't ready for it, and I still don't think I am," she retorted, tired of the bitterness she was feeling. "It took me a while to..."
She stopped. If she herself had needed days to accept the news, why did she expect it to be different for John? "All right, I understand. I'll wait a little while before I take his no as final."
"Now go to sleep and keep me posted, please."
"Of course, I will. Good night." She was about to hang up, but heard her friend's voice call her again.
"Wait, Loreley. Best wishes for the baby!"
6
Loreley was still half-asleep when she heard the door of the room open. She lay still, opened her eyes a little, and through her eyelashes watched John open the closet, pull out the few things he had brought with him, and then put them in the duffel bag.
He moved as stealthily as a thief. He was leaving.
Her heart was beating erratically and it was if it didn’t want to start beating regularly again. She took a deep breath and, as soon as that unpleasant sensation ceased, she pulled back the blankets and got out of bed, ready to face him. She could not allow him to leave like this, with the conviction that she had deceived him.
He turned to look at her.
"I’m going to the appointment with the architect, Morel, then I’ll go back to New York... alone. You go ahead and finish your weekend," he told her, stabbing her with his eyes.
"Stop acting like this! You didn't even let me talk when we were on the Eiffel Tower."
"And I don't want to hear what you have to say now either. You're a lawyer: if you can hoodwink an entire jury to save a client, who knows what you'd say to save yourself."
"That’s a low blow!"
"And how would you define yours?" He pointed to her belly.
It wasn't easy to argue in those conditions, but she had to try, at least. "I didn't do it on purpose. I never stopped taking the pill, you have to believe me!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't." John grabbed his bag, went to the door, and walked out of the room, with not another glance at her.
Loreley stood motionless for a few seconds. She should have told him to go to hell and that she’d take care of the child herself, but she had to try to convince him of the truth before going that far; because as things stood now, if that man didn't deserve to have a child, his child instead deserved to have a father. Perhaps one day he would change his mind. Other men had changed their mind after they saw their child. The court had taught her that in some cases it was necessary to put pride aside.
No, if there was even just a slight hope, she felt it was her duty to make at least one attempt to straighten things out.
She got into her jeans, sweater and ankle boots, took her jacket and rushed out.
The elevator near the room was busy and the call button on the one opposite was red too.
She had to take the stairs. If she was fast enough, she would be able to reach him before he had time to find a taxi.
Fourth floor.
Steps, landing, steps.
Third floor.
Steps, landing, steps.
Faster, faster...
Second floor.
Steps, landing, nothing...
She missed her footing and the next steps came up to meet her. She screamed in terror.
A searing pain, then a whirlwind of dark shadows swallowed her into nothingness.
***
The slight burning on her arm and the pain in her loins made her gradually emerge from the dark fog of her senses. She couldn't open her eyes.
“Miss Lehmann... Can you hear me?"
The words had been spoken in hesitant English, with a strong foreign accent, and the female voice seemed to come from very far away.
Just a few meaningless syllables came out of her mouth. Her tongue was stuck to the palate and her lips were dry. She could only nod.
"She’s coming around. You can take her to the ward." Now it was a man speaking, but this time in perfect French. Loreley thanked her father for forcing her to learn that language when they were still living in Zurich.
Lorely stiffened: where was she? The question hung in the air and a brief silence that followed. Then some confused memories assailed her with the force of a sledgehammer. The ambulance, the emergency room, the visit... and then nothing.
She was in hospital!
Her whole body began to tremble violently.
Someone tried to hold her still, but she couldn't control the intense tremors that were shaking her body.
"I think it's a reaction to the stress of trauma," she heard someone say.
What had they done to her? she wondered, in the grip of a terrible suspicion. She wanted to know, but couldn't ask. Her teeth were chattering like a jackhammer and her heart seemed to want to beat even faster; it was as if she had a hive of angry wasps in her head. She breathed deeply several time and forced herself to calm down.
"That’s right, good... like that. Don't be afraid."
That male voice again, so reassuring.
"Doctor, Professor Leyrac is looking for you in room two." A woman had intervened.
"Yes, I'll be there right away. Take Miss Lehmann to her room," the man repeated.
Loreley became aware of footsteps moving away. The tenuous numbness that still enveloped her mind was wearing off. A few moments later, she managed to open her eyes.
The first thing she saw were the doors of a large elevator that were closing, then the silhouette of a woman in a white coat who was about to press a button.
Not long after, they moved her from the stretcher onto a bed.
"You’ll feel better tomorrow," a nurse reassured her as she fixed the IV drip onto the support rod.
"My baby..." she managed to say touching her belly.
***
Loreley awoke with some difficulty. Even though it was late morning, she still felt drowsy. It had been almost impossible to sleep peacefully that night, what with bells ringing in continuation, hurried footsteps in the corridors, whispered voices and bright lights.
A hand rested on her arm. It was a nurse.
"Miss Lehmann, you must come with me. The doctor would like to talk to you. You know, about being discharged."
"Oh! I'll be getting out, then!"
"The doctor will explain everything to you." She bent over to help her get out of bed.
Although her head was aching and one knee was swollen, Loreley refused her help and limped after her.
As they went along, she heard what sounded like an argument coming from a room down the hall.
"I don't understand, there must have been a mix-up..."
"Doctor Duval, I had asked you to keep an eye on the results of the tests, and the hCG in particular; I notice it’s the one that’s missing."
It was a voice she had already heard.
"Here... come in here, ma'am," the nurse said to her, pointing to the half-open door of the room from which the voices were coming, then opened it wide to let her pass.
A smell of chlorine disinfectant hovered in the room. The person sitting behind the desk did not even raise his eyes from the papers he was examining. Loreley noticed only the short, brown hair, broad shoulders under the white coat and lightly tanned hands. The image of that doctor gave her a sense of disquiet, unlike the voice, which instead was able to make her fell good.
The young blonde female doctor who was standing next to him gave her a fleeting glance, then invited her to sit down.
"Miss Lehmann, it seems that you are in good health and..." he said to her in a barely comprehensible English.
"Unfortunately, there is one analysis that is still missing," the other interrupted. "You can go home, Miss Lehmann. As soon as we get the results, we'll put them in the file," the man continued, lifting his face and looking at Loreley.
Only then was she able to see his features, the dark blue eyes, like the sky at dusk.
"If there is any news, we will let you know. Please leave us your email and... Miss Lehmann, is something wrong?"
"Jack?! Jack Leroy?" shouted Loreley.
"What, excuse me?"
She stared at him, dumbfounded. God, it looks just like him! He was identical to Esther's brother, with a beard...
The doctor got up with a worried expression and went closer to her, then turned to his colleague. "Call Dr. Julies."
"Right away, Dr. Legrand," said the other, lifting the phone.
Dr. Legrand? What a fool she was! thought Loreley, disappointed. Jack spoke perfect English; that unknown man managed quite well, of course, but the way he pronounced vowels was closed, the rs were rolled, and it had a sweeter sound.
Sensing his concern, she stopped him: “I'm fine, I assure you. I just felt like I'd seen you before... that I knew you, actually; but I was wrong.”
"Then we can go ahead with discharging you." He sat down, took the pen that the female doctor gave him, and scribbled something on a couple of sheets of paper. "Can you call someone to come and pick you up?"
Loreley stiffened, clasped her hands, and looked down on the group of pastel-colored folders on one side of the desk.
“Miss Lehmann...” he urged her.
She raised her eyes again and met his, which were looking at her attentively; she tried to assume a more relaxed attitude.
"Did you come to Paris alone? Do you have anyone here who can help you?"
She thought of Johnny, but immediately banished that idea. Maybe he was already in New York. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "You said a little while ago that I can leave. I don't need anything or anyone," she said in a firm voice.
An expression that was a mixture of surprise and skepticism appeared on his face. Lying to a person who had such an intense and shrewd gaze was not at all easy. The defensive position she had taken was already betraying her. But when it’s all said and done, wasn't it up to her to decide for herself?
"I can assure you that I am telling you the truth. I don't have anyone to contact and I can manage by myself."
There were a few moments of silence.
"All right, we’ll discharge you as planned," the doctor said. "In the meantime, I'm prescribing a treatment you can do at home." He handed her a couple of pieces of paper.
She took them and folded them without even glancing at them. All she wanted was to escape as quickly as she could from that situation which was making her feel uncomfortable.
"Luckily there were no consequences and the child is fine; but you should rest for at least a couple of days,” he went. "You can have the stitches in your head removed in a week’s time, in any hospital. And keep the knee brace on for at least fourteen or at the most twenty days."
"Of course, I will."
"It would be better if you came back here for a check-up, before you leave. It’s a precaution that I feel I should advise you."
"I'll think about it. I'm also going to have to contact the health insurance people. Thank you, Dr. Legrand." She took her leave, holding onto the arm of the chair as she got up, then looked at the other doctor: "Doctor..."
She forced herself to smile at her, and said goodbye with a nod of her head, then turned to leave the infirmary. Her mind seemed emptied of all thought, but filled with an anger she never believed she could feel towards John and towards herself.
Being in that emotional state lowered her attention span and she placed her weight on the wrong leg. She put out her arms in search of some support, but they hit a kidney-shaped metal container that crashed to the ground with a great clang, sending the contents flying.
With her healthy knee and palms on the floor, Loreley looked at the damage, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
She felt two strong hands on her shoulders helping her get to her feet, as a nurse rushed to put syringes, tubes of ointment, gauze and scissors back in the container.
"Are you all right, Miss Lehmann?" asked Legrand.
"Yes, there’s nothing wrong. Thank you, doctor, I just forgot I had hurt my leg. I've always been a little careless. Now you can laugh, if you want," she joked.
The doctor looked relieved and his lips opened in a smile.
7
Loreley put on a pair of heavy jeans, a turtle-neck sweater, a semi-waterproof coat and a pair of low-heeled ankle boots. She covered her head with a wool beret to hide the dressing, and wound a scarf around her neck.
After checking that she hadn't forgotten anything in the room or bathroom, she went down to the hotel lobby and paid the bill, leaving her luggage in storage so she could go to the hospital unencumbered. She had five hours to undergo the check-up, pick up her suitcase again and go to the airport.
The reception called a taxi for her and she sat down in an armchair to wait for it.
To make sure she was well enough to make the return trip, she had stayed in the hotel longer than planned and had tried to beat the boredom reading and watching television. She left the room only to go down to the restaurant. The staff had been very kind to her: from time to time the housemaid would knock on her door to ask if she needed anything.
She had received two phone calls during those days. The first had been from David, asking her if there was any news regarding the situation with her fiancé. When she had told him about Johnny's untimely departure and her accident, he was speechless at first; then he’d had a fit of rage peppered with colourful insults, followed by many words of advice.
He had also ordered her to stay in the room warm and safe, as if she might have thrown herself into the Paris nightlife with her knee still swollen! At the end of the lecture he promised that he would pick her up at the airport.
The second phone-call had come from a nurse, who told her the result of the missing test, and also advised her to undergo a check-up before returning home. Having already moved the flight to the following day, Loreley had immediately booked the visit for the same day as her departure.
The arrival of the taxi put an end to the passage of those brief memories of her last days in Paris. Annoyed by the long wait Loreley got into the car and looked askew at the driver.
"Take me to the Hôpital Saint-Louis, please.” She settled into the seat. "If I had to wait this long for a taxi in Manhattan, I'd get to the office quicker on foot," she thought aloud.
"Do it now, then!" the taxi driver told her piqued, in not so good English, the vehicle still standing beside the pavement. He turned to look at her with a sarcastic half-smile: "You know, it's only a couple of miles away."
She didn't turn a hair. "I would have walked, but I'm going to the hospital. Don’t you think that implies something?” she responded, convinced of what she was saying.
If it wasn't for her knee which was still sore, she really would have walked there, taking advantage of it for a good stroll in the fresh air, after four days in bed.
The driver shook his head and departed. Loreley leaned back in the seat and tried to calm down. She was aware that every time she got into a taxi in a bad mood, she took it out on the driver, but having to wait for over half an hour was really too much.
I go to Paris and have to endure all this!
Kilmer was sure to be having a good laugh about it, she told herself, thinking back to the phone call she had made to him the day after being discharged from the hospital.
When she arrived at reception, she asked to be visited by Dr. Legrand, but he was busy in the ward that morning; according to the nurse she would have to settle for the doctor on duty, but she had no intention of letting another man’s hands touch her.
Faced with Lorely’s obstinate insistence, the copper-haired clerk with little glasses on a chain made an attempt to please her, or maybe just get rid of her. She said she would ask the doctor if he was available for a private visit if she was willing to pay for it. Loreley didn't think about it for an instant, and just waved her credit card.
She was forced to wait for over an hour, but eventually Dr. Legrand found time to receive her.
After medicating her head wound, he took her into his office, a more welcoming place than the cold clinic where he had visited her and more appropriate for a private conversation.
"You’re departing today, then, Miss Lehmann."
"Paris is a beautiful city, but I can't wait to get back to New York, after this..." She pointed to the patch on the right side of her head, above the ear.
"I can imagine. I've been promising myself for a while to take another trip back to your city, but in the end I go somewhere else, to places that are much closer. I can't take enough days off to make such a long journey." He crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair. "I should organize my work better, so I have at least one week to really enjoy the vacation."
"Well, if you do come, let me know. I will be happy to see you again and show you some interesting little-known corners, to return your kindness."
He smiled and Loreley found himself thinking yet again that he really looked like Jack Leroy.
She opened her handbag and pulled out a small printed rectangular card from her wallet.
"This is my business card with the email and mobile phone number I use for work. You already have my personal one; but just so you don’t have to go looking for it..." She took a black pen from the desk, turned the card over and wrote the number. "Here it is. Call me whenever you want. If I don't pick up right away, leave a message and I'll call you back."
He reached out, took the card and read the heading, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re a lawyer, then."
"Yes, a criminal lawyer."
Legrand put the card in the pocket of his coat.
"If I should come to New York, I’ll keep your offer in mind." He picked up the white envelope that was beside the emergency room file and pulled out a sheet of paper.
"Miss Lehmann, let's get to the point: the hCG are within normal values, even if they are a bit high. Since your pregnancy is just at the beginning, you don’t need to rush to the doctor immediately, especially now that we have done the tests and they are all normal; in about one month, when the routine checks begin, take this with you too." He gave her the sheet of paper.
"To tell the truth I've already made an appointment for next week. A little early, I know, but I'd like to have some answers to a few questions."
"If I can be of help, I..."
"Of course you could, but I'm afraid I'm stealing you away from your patients too long."
"Let's do this," he replied, looking at the clock on the wall, "I have about an hour's lunch break." He sat up straight and leaned toward her. "If you like, we can talk about it while we have a bite to eat: what do you say?"
Loreley made her calculations. Her flight was due to leave in about three hours, so she would get there in time if they didn’t take too long.
"It's a great idea. If it’s okay with you, it's good for me. I promise you I’ll be brief."
***
In her seat on the plane with a glass of tea, Loreley reflected on what Dr. Legrand had told her. The fact that she became pregnant despite taking the pill regularly could be due to several reasons. The previous month she had been ill for a few days and had vomited several times. Following that episode the doctor had then prescribed her some intestinal disinfectants; and of course there were the painkillers she often took for the pain in her head. As a result, the hormones contained in the pill may have been malabsorbed with a consequent impairment of the contraceptive activity.
Now it made sense, though getting Johnny to understand it was not going to be easy. But did he deserve an explanation after his behaviour in Paris? Rightly or wrongly, he should not have reacted in such a bad way and left her alone.
What faith could she have in a man who runs away instead of dealing with the situation?
She took the glass of tea to her lips, but jumped as the plane shook slightly and a rivulet of tea splashed onto her sweater.
Damn, she was more inattentive than usual! She dried it with the paper napkin that the flight attendant had given her with the drink and her thoughts quickly returned to where they had left off.
Of late, she too had behaved in a similar way. Hadn't she run away, and on at least two occasions, from Sonny? And had she had the guts to confess to Johnny what happened between her and that man?
Slumping back in her seat, she sighed. There were some important decisions to be made: about her pregnancy, about her relationship with John, and about the outstanding issue with Sonny. She could not hope to continue down that path and point the finger at others. There was a saying that lies attract more lies, until you no longer knew how to handle them. And you finally end up with your bum on the ground!
She turned her face towards the window and looked down, but couldn’t see the earth below them.
There was still quite a lot of time before they arrived at JFK airport, where David would be waiting for her: he always kept his promises. With that thought and a smile on her lips she sank into a long, heavy sleep.
She was awakened by the voice of the flight attendant advising them of the imminent landing, inviting passengers to fasten their seat belts. She had slept a long time! At that moment she felt strangely serene despite everything that had happened.
To her great relief, her feet were once again on American soil. She found it difficult being closed in a metal box all that time: in that she was almost like John.
Outside the airport, the drop in temperature forced her to stop and fasten the collar of her coat a little tighter over the scarf and put on her hat. At the roar of a plane overhead, she looked up. The sky was a deep blue with some light streaks of orange, testifying that the sun had just set. The lights of the aircraft disappeared inside a dark cloud.
People were walking quickly to grab the cabs lined up along the sidewalk, and others were looking around for something or someone. A little like her, as she searched for her friend David.
He was standing on the opposite sidewalk. As soon as their eyes met, he smiled and crossed the road to meet her, with his long bowed legs that made her smile every time she stopped to observe them.
She raised her hand to greet him, happy to have him as a friend. To be honest, in their university days, when they’d had wild time together, she would have chosen him as a future husband, if it hadn’t been for one small detail: he had eventually realized that he was more attracted to men.
***
It’s never pleasant to return to an empty house, but for Loreley it was like being on the end of a punch in the stomach. Not only was John not there, as she already imagined, but he had taken away most of his belongings.
Half of the walk-in closet had been emptied, and he had left only summer clothes. There was nothing of his in the bathroom cabinet, apart from a disposable razor now unusable.
She checked the whole apartment from top to bottom, and opened the windows to change the air despite it being freezing outside. She searched for other signs that might give her a clue as to what John had done in her absence, but there was little to understand: he would be back only to get the rest of his things.
After unpacking her suitcase, she put her dirty laundry to wash and took a shower, being careful not to touch her hair and wet the dressing. There were still three days to go before she went to the doctor to have the stitches removed. She looked at her knee and noticed that the swelling had gone down and the asymmetry between right and left was barely visible. There was some pain if she pressed her finger against the kneecap, otherwise all she felt was a sensation of heat and numbness of the skin.
Instead of getting dressed, she put on a heavy dark red satin robe and threw herself onto the sofa to rest.
Everything in the room seemed unchanged. There was the round table of white timber with a tray holding scented candles on top of it; the cabinet full of crystal glasses and vintage dishes from the Victorian era; the shelves with books and ornaments purchased in various antique markets; a mirror with a decoupage wooden frame; the tiled fireplace with glass walls and the bar with its high stools.
Everything was perfect and in its usual place.
She, instead, began to feel a vague uneasiness, a sense of non-belonging. They had taken that rented loft together and now, without John to fill it with his presence, she didn't even feel it was hers anymore. They had always split the expenses, but now she would have to pay everything and she wasn't so sure she could afford it without chipping into the trust fund her father had given her when she had left home a few years earlier.
