Chapter 6. A Fellow Capricorn
I first saw you at the desk that I was going to share with you for the next two amazing years at our incredible high school. On that September day, I was excited and scared about all the unknown things that were yet to come but I tried to keep my cool as much as I could. The only familiar face at that point was our teacher’s, but very soon, sitting next to you, I felt that you were friendly, as if you were eager to get to know me. I think we became friends as soon as we started talking. How could we not because as you later told me, you recognized me the moment I entered the classroom because you had seen me in a dream before. So, when I took a seat next to you, you knew right away that we would become very good friends.
You became my rock in this new place, and in a matter of just a few days we were inseparable like Siamese twins. Although you excelled in most subjects, especially English (oh, I was in awe of how fluently you spoke and how seemingly effortless it all was for you), I turned to you mostly for emotional support and inspiration, rather than help with homework. I still can’t quite comprehend how we managed to talk for hours and hours on end, both in person – in class and during breaks – and on the phone almost every night. My parents must have been really unhappy about the growing phone bills, but I couldn’t help myself because I had found someone who got me so well that, despite not sharing all of my interests, tolerated me with my unwavering love for The X Files, romantic novels, foreign pop singers, and boy bands. However, we did share a love for learning and a unique sense of humor, and most importantly, we just enjoyed each other’s company. We also knew all too well what it meant when no one really cared about our birthdays; being born almost a year apart, both in late December, we had witnessed our friends focusing more on the upcoming New Year’s than celebrating our birthdays. So, in our final year of school, we joined forces and had an unforgettable birthday party with a bunch of our friends just two days before the biggest Russian holiday. It was fun for both of us to be celebrated that way.
During those two years in high school, we went through thick and thin together: there was a lot of studying, laughing and crying, eating desserts at our favorite cafе, sharing stories of sleepless school nights spent writing essays in Russian or English or attempting to memorize math, chemical or physics formulas that seemed incomprehensible to us, exchanging thoughts on movies, sharing our own romantic stories and dreams. And countless jokes told and laughed at uncontrollably.
Sometime during the winter of our second and final year of high school, you pulled off such an incredible psychological prank on me that I still mentally applaud you for it today. I don’t think it was intentional, though, you just went along and played off my reactions. Here’s how it happened.
Everything started with a phrase you said almost dismissively, “We’re going to your place after school anyway.” I must have raised my eyebrows in surprise and responded, “We haven’t discussed it yet, but sure, let’s go, it’ll be fun.” You were equally surprised and said, “But we did talk about it, yesterday.” Since we lived very far from each other, about an hour bus ride through town, these kinds of trips hardly ever happened spontaneously and always took a while to arrange. So, naturally, I replied, “No, we didn’t. I’d remember.” That’s when you unabashedly got carried away, “We did, at my place.” My eyes and internal doubts grew bigger by the second. I exclaimed, “Your place?! I’d definitely remember if we had gone to your place after school yesterday. But I don’t remember because it never happened. I went straight home, did my homework and then we talked on the phone as usual. That’s all.” You kept insisting, providing some bulletproof evidence that sounded more and more plausible, while I, though initially convinced that nothing of the sort had happened, felt like I was quickly losing my mind… Ten minutes later, when the next class began, you still hadn’t cracked even a tiny smile, leaving me puzzled and confused. The best part about it all was that you never told me the truth, though I assure you I knew then and know now for a fact that there was nothing wrong with my memory. (You may try and convince me otherwise – again! – but I’m not going to give in this time.=))
As a teenager and then young adult, I always needed just one truly close friend in my life as it brought me emotional comfort and a sense of security, even invincibility, in any extrovert-oriented (aka social) setting. So, when you left after school to study at a university in another city and did it with such seemingly carefree ease, it broke my heart more than the recent romantic breakup. It meant that I was left alone in my day-to-day life, which was truly unbearable for my younger self. While I did have other good friends, I didn’t have the same quality of connection with them. It also meant I had to adapt to everything on my own, and that was really difficult, but it became an important life lesson, of course.
Although we used to be very close friends, you’ve always been a mystery to me. While you were honest and open, it felt like you held back more than I did. And again, it often discouraged and hurt me, being someone who values close friendships. However, after all these years, it doesn't really matter anymore. What’s important is that you were there for me in high school, sharing the experience of the craziest two years of our lives, and that, as you used to say, will stay with us “for all lifetimes.”
Chapter 7. Infatuated
What a yummy-looking apple! I exclaimed to myself as I was browsing through a grocery store to buy some food for our 30-hour train ride back home. Little did I know at that moment that the fruit would play a pivotal role in the future events of my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s rewind to about a week before.
In late October of that year, I was extremely excited about two things. One was going on a school trip to the cultural capital of our country with my friends and schoolmates (supervised and accompanied by two awesome teachers, of course). And the other was getting Aguilera’s brand new album, which promised to be more sincere and provocative than her first one. I couldn’t wait for both of these things to happen. So, as soon as I spotted the album in a music store, I purchased it and spent my days and nights listening to it on my Walkman (yes, it was THAT long ago: I had a portable CD player with wired earphones but no mobile phone yet, LOL). And a couple of days later, we boarded the train, marking the beginning of the best journey of our high school years.
Although our group was quite small – just under 20 people – I didn’t know everyone at first, because about a third of us were boys from a class we hardly ever crossed paths with in the school halls before, or after. However, the train ride was quite long, so we soon learned everyone’s names. Despite this, we still stuck to our usual circle of friends, laughing hysterically, cracking joke after joke, and enjoying the time away from our parents.=) Juice and chocolate were basically all we sustained ourselves on; I have no idea how or why nobody ended up with the most severe stomach ache.
We arrived safely in the city and checked into the student dormitory. When we weren’t going on the pre-arranged tours, which were delightful and interesting, we explored the nearby streets, bridges, shops, and cathedrals on our own, while enjoying juice and soda, eating chocolate, laughing, talking, taking photos, and listening to music. I loved the Stripped album so much that it was playing on my CD player non-stop, and when it wasn’t, the melodies and lyrics kept playing in my head. One song caught my attention more than the others. I had to look up the translation of its title because it was a completely new word for me. When I understood its meaning, the lyrics made so much more sense and even brought a new level of appreciation for the song. But not only that. I felt like the song was written for me and about me (as all teenage girls do, apparently=)), because this curiosity and attraction had truly taken me by surprise, and I was being carried away by this new, unfamiliar thing that suddenly had a name, “infatuation”.
You immediately stood out to me among your classmates. Your skin wasn’t as deeply cinnamon-colored as Aguilera puts it in the song, but you were definitely not as pale as the rest of us. And your brown eyes, paired with your gorgeous kind smile, truly hypnotized me every time they met mine in the dormitory halls. We were clearly aware of each other, but we never really spoke, and I envied your friends who interacted and laughed with you so freely. Besides, it was all quite foreign to me: I could hardly keep my cool when you were around, while simultaneously falling apart on the inside, and I was actually breathless a couple of times when I saw your eyes light up after noticing me. But you never made it any easier for me: you simply passed by, smiling as broadly and openly as only you could.
So, when I had lost almost all hope because by the time we got on the train to go back home, we had only exchanged a few Hellos, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I passed your compartment with the freshly-washed apple in my hands and saw you reading by yourself, with all your friends mysteriously gone. I’m not sure what came over my normally timid self at that moment, but I stepped in and asked if you wanted me to share the apple with you. Getting an enthusiastic “Sure, yeah!” from you, I lost all the fear and dared sit down next to you. I’m smiling now because, surprisingly, talking with you turned out to be very easy and enjoyable. The apple, that we had cut in half, was really big and crunchy, which gave me a valid excuse to stay and chat longer. Sitting so close to you, I immediately noticed a faded weird-looking scar on your left hand. When I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “It looks as if you ironed your hand” and you replied in a nonchalant but slightly shocked manner, “I did, actually, when I was about three or four”, I think we both knew right away that we had just bonded in a way that neither of us could have predicted or explained.
Shortly after we came back home from our trip, you invited me to your birthday party. I was over the moon with happiness. The party was loud and crowded, but I only noticed it when you briefly left my side. For the most part, I felt pretty comfortable. My heart beat like crazy whenever you held my hand and pulled me close. When I buried my face in your shoulder, unable to speak, you always found the right words to make those awkward moments more bearable and with time even enjoyable.
School suddenly turned into a game of Us VS the Schedule with us trying to meet each other whenever and wherever possible, even though we spent most of the time in different buildings. I was walking on air, singing to myself, easily coping with the most challenging tasks and tests, always smiling and feeling warm inside; it was truly the greatest winter of my school life.
One day, you promised to meet me after classes. It made me really happy since it didn’t happen too often. As we walked toward the bus stop, you said you didn’t want to give me false hopes anymore because you believed I was too good for you… It was surprising, considering you were never a typical “bad boy”; quite the contrary, you were very kind and had gentle and suave manners that were quite exceptional for our age. I guess the look of disbelief and total confusion on my face made you take my bus and ride with me for a while to make sure I was okay. You asked me over and over if I was going to get home on my own, and when I actually spoke instead of just nodding, you said casually, “See you at school!” and got off.
I don’t really remember the rest of my journey home but I remember clearly walking up the stairs to my apartment, realizing that it hadn’t been a dream and that we were really done. In that moment I had to pause on a step because this thought hit me right in the heart. The pain was tangible, as if some string had abruptly snapped in it. That’s how I learned what it feels like to be heartbroken… I’m glad it first happened the way it did, though. Even if the reason might not have been entirely what you told me, you were tactful and discerning enough to have mercy on me and choose the words you did, so that my self-esteem wouldn’t wobble and fall apart.
That final spring stretch of the year was pure torture. Noticing you in the halls and not being able to come up to you, hug you, and talk made me lose my sleep, appetite, and cheerfulness. At some point, seeing how bad I was, you lent me your watch, which was huge and too loose on my wrist but which I still loved, on the condition that when I gave it back, I would consider it was really over between us and move on. I wore it every day and felt better. Indeed, when you asked for it back after a while, I returned it with a heavy heart but I was more prepared to accept that we were no longer together.
By the end of the school year, I had resolved to have as much fun with my friends at the graduation party as possible. We all dressed up and had our hair done really beautifully for the prom, where we took lots of photos and danced the night away. However, the single best part of the evening, etched into my memory as one of the brightest and purest moments of joy in this lifetime, was when I suddenly felt your strong arms envelop me on the dance floor. It was so sweet and intense that my whole body still remembered the warmth of being in your arms and dancing together a good few years later. Truly, it is the best gift I have ever received from you.
The rest of the summer, with its university entrance exams, was incredibly stressful and busy. In other words, I had no time or emotional energy to think of anything other than starting this new chapter of my life. However, a few months later, I got my first ever mobile phone, which had the numbers of my parents and a few friends, but it was missing… yours. By hook or by crook, I managed to get hold of it and had to gather all my courage to text you. To my surprise, you were pleased to hear from me, and I was overjoyed! Word after word, walk after walk around the university campus, everything felt both familiar and fresh. Once again, I became completely helpless in my growing infatuation, and I simply couldn’t stop what I had started.
Back then, I was bitter and confused about our relationship not developing into something bigger and better, about it breaking off where others only get going. But when I came to think of it more, I found it perfect: we both got what we needed to move forward without any fears or anxiety, knowing the best of each other and leaving out the worst.
You have always been genuinely happy to see me and hugged me like the dearest of friends; and I’ve always mirrored it back. You often invited me to house parties (both yours and your friends’=)), took me to dance clubs and for long night rides in your car, and even shared a huge bucket of ice cream with me once when I was at my lowest. You were considerate and protective of me, and I appreciate it enormously. Over the years, I have often had basically the same dream with slight alterations in the setting: I come to a crowded event, where I know absolutely no one, and almost start panicking, but suddenly I see your brown eyes smiling at me in the middle of that human ocean, we hug each other, and everything becomes right with the world. Thank you for that and for everything we have shared in real life. It’s so easy and enjoyable to think of you; I always do it with a smile on my face – and in my soul. There was almost nothing complicated about the time I knew you and spent with you. It’s something I’m going to keep safe in my memory forever.
Chapter 8. My Soul Sister
Whenever I think of you, I immediately feel all warm and fuzzy. That is the effect you have always had on me, right from the very first time we met.
I returned home from my first two-month summer trip to France and started a third year at university. Life seemed too dull and mundane in contrast to the excitement and new experiences of traveling abroad. A good friend of mine, whom I have known since before high school, once took me out to a new cafе that she liked for its warm and cozy ambiance and delicious desserts. It didn’t click in my mind at first, but I bet she wanted to cheer me up and lift my spirits, so I greatly appreciated her thoughtfulness.
The place was called Chocolate. As we were walking there, she told me they had the best chocolate cake in town. I smiled because this girl always discovered the best cafеs, stores, bookshops, hairdressers, and people. She also mentioned that her new classmate from university would be joining us, insisting that she was the coolest and most interesting person she had ever met: intelligent, kind, and polite. I never doubted my friend’s ability to form accurate impressions of people, but I certainly didn’t anticipate what happened next.
When we arrived at the cafе, you were already there. My friend sat next to you, and I took a chair opposite you. We introduced ourselves, and even before we ordered our coffees and cakes, I knew that I liked you, just like my friend did. I vividly remember looking at you across the table and having the weirdest impression: your eyes matched your light-brown hair, which immediately made me realize deep inside that I wanted to be friends with you! It has been over 18 years since that rainy September evening, but I still can’t quite comprehend how this connection formed in my mind, and even more so, how it made any sense, but it did. It made perfect and undeniable sense. I believe it was one of those signs that clearly indicate we have just met a kindred soul, or a soulmate if you will.
Our conversation flowed smoothly as if we had known one another for years. Your favorite dessert turned out to be chocolate (a coincidence?), we all liked good books and movies, and you even attended the same dance studio as I did. You exuded an incredibly welcoming and cozy energy that made it easy to trust you and share everything that was on our minds and in our hearts. There were no awkward silences that often occur when a newcomer joins an already established close friendship.
By the time I got home that evening, I was certain that I wanted this newfound connection to grow and decided not to wait for another opportunity to meet you. So, under the pretext of coordinating our dance studio schedules, I asked my friend for your phone number, hoping to spend some time talking with you before or after classes. I must have called you that same night. Although I was very determined to take a chance and directly asked if you wouldn’t mind going to the dance classes with me, I also felt nervous yet hopeful that you would agree. Was it because you enjoyed my company or simply couldn’t say no to a new acquaintance? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m so glad that you graciously accepted. I’m even happier that my somewhat stalker-like approach didn’t scare you off. Anyway, this marked the beginning of our beautiful long-lasting friendship.
In the following 5 years, we spent an insane amount of time together, attending the same dance classes and festival rehearsals, swimming, drinking coffee, eating desserts, taking long walks in the city, making mulled wine, watching movies, taking photos, always enjoying each other’s company, and talking. Or, more accurately, talking, talking, and then talking some more. I quickly realized that not only were you an active listener – like me – who always showed genuine interest by asking insightful questions, but also the only person I knew I could share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, without being judged or frowned upon. To this day, you are the only friend whom I have ever trusted to share ALL of myself with. It’s priceless. You have always understood, supported, and encouraged me by giving me your time, warm energy, bright smiles, and by saying simple yet wise and powerful words when I needed to hear them the most. Moreover, it always amazes me that we have stayed on the same wavelength, exploring similar concepts in life, even after we moved to different cities and countries. Whenever we meet up or talk on the phone, I get washed over by this familiar feeling of mutual trust, of being completely understood and seeing myself mirrored in you. On top of that, it seems as if no time has passed at all, and we effortlessly pick up our conversation and friendship right where we left off. My love for you and my appreciation of you, your presence in my life go beyond any words. You are the sister I have never had, or how I like to think of it, my spiritual sister. And I believe our strong soulful connection is evident, since for a while, we were even considered biological sisters by those who didn’t know us well.
My dear friend, I am infinitely grateful to have found you and to know that I can always be absolutely sincere with you, telling you all about my life experiences and my perception of them, and always count on receiving truly empathetic feedback. That’s why I have always felt relaxed and uninhibited with you, in the way only close friends can be. And I have missed it all so much: your non-judgemental attitude, the laughs that we shared, the very special bond that, as I feel, we have always had. You are a gem of a person, and I love you endlessly. May you be as happy in life as our friendship and interactions make me.
P.S.: By the way, I need to mention that your eyes are actually darker than your fair hair. The lighting at Chocolate must have played a trick on me… It’s as if some higher power was at play, orchestrating our meeting and making sure that we truly noticed each other. It's a memory that always brings a smile to my face.=)
Chapter 9. My Tender Knight
Coming to a volunteer camp in your homeland, I was really excited to be back there and also to meet new people with whom I would spend the next few weeks, working and living side by side. Initially, I wasn’t supposed to come to this particular camp, but the other camp that I had chosen got canceled at the last minute. Since I had been to this one before, the organizers gave me this place as an option, which I gladly took because I had absolutely loved it the first time around.
So there I was, standing in the courtyard of our guesthouse, basking in July’s warmth and sunshine and taking in everything around me, which I never thought I would see or experience again: the stone house, the kitchen, the spacious common room, the big gates, the outdoor dining area, and the serenity of the surrounding countryside. I was filled with anticipation to go to the work site and see how what we had built the previous year looked now. I couldn’t contain my excitement to share everything I knew and remembered about the place with someone in the new group. Discovering that you were one of our supervisors, I decided to turn to you.
Honestly, at first, I was rather hesitant about approaching you. I had never seen anyone with a stripe of spiky hair on their head in real life before; combined with a black T-shirt and a pair of jeans in the middle of a hot summer, you seemed rather tough to me. However, when I gathered enough courage and talked to you, I was immediately disarmed by your warm smile and enormous gentleness.
This striking contrast between your appearance and behavior piqued my curiosity, so it was only natural for me to try and know you better. The more we interacted, the less of your outer armor I saw and the more your inner vulnerability shone through.
Whenever you had a chance, you would eagerly grab some paper and pencils to add yet another picture to your ever-growing collection of amazing drawings. One afternoon, as we stood in the courtyard, you decided to show them to me. What caught my eye in them, apart from your impressive skills, was an endearing combination of grim elements and overall hopeful romantic themes. In that exact moment, you became incredibly precious to me, and I instantly knew that I wanted – I needed! – to be friends with you for as long as possible. It took me only a second more to notice something else in your artwork; I couldn’t help but blurt it out because it was so obvious to me, “But it’s you, here and here, right? There’s a depiction of you in almost every sketch!” You seemed equally taken aback by my words, as no one had ever even considered it before… I felt a sense of heartache for you, unable to comprehend why there were so many insensitive blind people in your life because in my opinion, your pictures spoke louder than words.
As time went by and our volunteer work progressed slowly but surely, our group kept sharing meals, stories, board games, short trips to the nearby lake, and tours to the nearest towns. Little by little, I learned that you were very passionate about music, very picky about it even, so it took me quite a while before I decided to share the music of a local band with you. I had discovered it on my own and loved it so much that I would have preferred to keep it to myself rather than hear any negative feedback about it. How happy and even proud I felt when, as you were listening to each new track on the album, I saw you smiling and sort of approving of my choice. Was that the moment I won you over? I never knew, and it hardly mattered, because it felt like we had clicked effortlessly on some very deep level anyway.
I always had very tender feelings for you, and you were always sweet and kind to me, even when I made hilariously awkward language mistakes that made everyone, including you, laugh uncontrollably. I loved how respectful of the language you always were; as a passionate language learner myself, I appreciated it in you, in what and how you spoke a lot.
We listened to music and watched movies together, discreetly competed to see who would take a better photo during our walks… Although I had already been dabbling in photography for a couple of years, it was your appreciation for beautiful photos in general and your praise of some of mine in particular that really made me catch this photography bug. (Once, you were so excited about a photo I had taken that you half-jokingly exclaimed, “I should have taken it myself!”=)) Thank you for that, because it helped me capture important everyday moments of my life in a more tasteful way than I would have done otherwise.
What has always stood out to me in my memories connected with you is that I felt more treasured and beautiful in your eyes, as if you saw something adorable in me I didn’t realize was there. You never said it out loud, but somehow it was clearly felt in the gentle way you treated me and in the many photos you took of me as if trying to capture those moments of our life forever. By the way, no one had ever taken so many photos of me before, so it felt strange, flattering, and nice. But I did the same, whenever our group was out and about on some tour or afternoon walk, I made sure you were in the frame of as many photos I took as possible. However, it’s not just about the quantity of photos that matters, but all the attentiveness to each other that shows clearly in them and through them in my memory. We had connected and, without realizing it, had an invisible but very powerful tether formed between us which made us always look in the direction of each other.
Later on, you showed me the capital through the eyes of someone who had lived, studied, and worked there. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a more captivating and personalized tour of this magnificent city. You took me to charming little streets and shops, to a museum and a castle I didn’t even know existed. Thanks to you I got to see the city from within, with its gems of places off the beaten track. These walks have been tucked away securely in the sunny corners of my memory, and nothing can replace them there, ever.
It was always very easy and comfortable for me to be by your side. For me it felt like we had known each other much longer than those few weeks; it just so happened that we had grown up countries and time zones apart. So, this wonderful adventure of ours always had but one flaw: we both knew from the beginning that at some point I would have to leave and go home, making it all very nonchalant. The time was treacherously limited and our relationship was never supposed to last long. Or was it?..
Anyway, we fully embraced this opportunity to be happy kids living in the moment. However, I wished back then and wish to this day our story would have continued and evolved into something as beautiful and strong as my feelings for you were. And yet, I will always cherish my memories of the time I spent with you, a tough-looking young man with the kindest and warmest of hearts.
Chapter 10. The Warmest Winter in My Life
How can I even begin to describe what turned out to become the warmest and most magical evening in the middle of a full-blown snowy winter? And we didn’t even make any conscious effort for it to happen.
It was quietly snowing that early evening in January. The city was dark, of course, but at the same time it was shimmering with the light of street lamps, shop signs, fairy lights hanging everywhere, sparkling fluffy snowflakes in the air, and the smiles and holiday spirit reflected in the eyes of everyone who passed me by.
Even though I was quite jittery coming to meet you, it all vanished the moment our eyes locked on each other and we immediately started walking and laughing, as if we had long been good friends. Our laughter came naturally, helping us overcome our initial nervousness.
We hadn’t planned to do anything specific on our first date that winter night, and we didn’t. We simply drank coffee, a lot of coffee actually, as neither of us wanted to leave that cozy cafе or the evening to end. We talked and laughed non-stop, gazing into each other’s eyes (yours were – and still are – stunningly blue), not quite realizing that the bond between us was growing stronger with each passing minute and each smile we shared. What we both did feel, though, was the out-of-this-world magic unfolding around us. You were good-natured, lovely, and humorous, and we clicked instantly. Honestly, I never fail to smile dreamily, reminiscing about those first few hours together, because they marked the beginning of the warmest winter and spring in my life.
Laughter, music, tea, walks, hugs, tenderness, and breakfasts. Your friends and your cool mom, who never entered your room without knocking, even though there was no lock on the door. Lunches we shared when I met you for a break from work downtown. Boundless joy, serenity, and the feeling of being at home. Photographs, butterflies in my tummy, the time we whiled away together, and the miracle of love between and all around us… I’m grateful to you for all of that and so much more.
I don’t remember ever feeling cold next to you, whether we were walking along the city streets or cuddling while waiting for a bus in freezing winter temperatures, or lying in bed. I felt cozy and snug all the time.
Once, a few days into this magical journey, you suggested that I listen to a song by Depeche Mode. I’m so happy you chose “Home”, which is performed (and written) by Martin Gore instead of Dave Gahan, whose voice is much rougher and lower. This allowed me to have the gentlest possible introduction to their music. The lyrics of this song perfectly reflected my thoughts and feelings about the time we were together:
And I thank you
For bringing me here
For showing me home
For singing these tears
Finally, I’ve found
That I belong here.
Feels like home,
I should have known
From my first breath.
Martin Gore’s voice here is so hauntingly beautiful that it effortlessly takes me back to moments with you whenever I hear this song. I truly felt at home in your arms, it was where I belonged. And to paraphrase another amazing song by Depeche Mode, something beautiful was happening inside for me, and even though eventually I lost myself in you, in us, that’s also how I found myself. Inside this heaven of ours, I was hypnotized and content, I felt whole and believed that everything was right with the world.
One more anthem of that time for me was, of course, “Enjoy the Silence” (performed by Depeche Mode and written by Martin Gore as well), with these particular lyrics standing out:
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
… Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
and forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
is here, in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm.
My favorite part was definitely cuddling with you. I could never find the right words to express what exactly I was feeling in those moments, until I stumbled upon this quote, reflecting my feelings and sensations in the most wonderful and accurate way. Here’s its loose translation: “If two lovers sleep or simply lie down holding each other tightly, they become tattoos on – and even under – each other’s skin. Forever.” Indeed, even though we went out a lot, hung out with your friends, watched movies, and listened to music together, all this “doing” paled in significance compared to just how magical and otherworldly being physically next to you felt.
I remember often sitting at my desk or on my sofa, without thinking about anything in particular, just staring off into space, while actually being completely consumed by my intense feelings and emotions. During those few months, it felt like I was floating instead of walking on solid ground. Every night, I went to bed not really wanting to fall asleep, because I knew I would temporarily stop feeling this love, something I never ever wanted to happen (how ironic). However, as soon as I opened my eyes each morning, the very first thing I always became aware of was this enormous love inside me, mixed with joy, airiness, and fullness of life.
I realize now, many years later, that the true reason why I wanted to be close to you all the time was not a lack of self-sufficiency at all (as a friend of yours insightfully pointed out to me once, leaving a harsh long-lasting impression on me), but my subconscious wish to share this all-encompassing feeling of mine with you, to let you sense how deep my feelings ran, to shower you with them, because I was overflowing. Even though I was attracted to and loved other people in my life, with them I felt either safe, calm, adventurous, curious, joyful, or authentically me (the second best feeling, by the way), but NEVER SO overwhelmingly in love, elated, and airy. My soul was blooming. That time with you was my personal bubble of intense genuine happiness, which I hadn’t experienced before and didn’t experience long afterwards. The electricity that ran between us did leave us with unremovable tattoos under each other’s skin, and the bliss I lived in marked me for a lifetime. I will always know as I knew then that “loving you was the happiest I’ve ever been.” (Thank you, Shawn Mendes, for this lyric in “When You’re Gone”.)
We are bound by a thousand songs.
We are bound by delight.
We are bound by my broken heart.
We are bound by the city streets.
We are bound by the falling snow.
