Виктория Олеговна Рогозина "Lies of closed eyes"

“Because I haven’t decided on my life,” I replied with a smile. “Sounds stupid,” I chuckled, lowering my head slightly. Smoking… I really want to drag on, feel how the smoke settles in my lungs.

– No, – he continued to peer thoughtfully into the distance. – At least be honest.

IВ pulled the hood over my head and shoved my hands into my pockets, shivering inВ the chill. However, it got colder inВ the evening.

We sat for another thirty minutes inВ complete silence, and IВ said goodbye and left the roof.

InВ the room, the first thing IВ did was put the kettle on and made myself some instant coffee. It seems not tasty, but the habit ofВ drinking has remained since school time.

Warmed up, IВ quickly took aВ shower, changed into my pajamas, and lay down, getting ready forВ bed.

But aВ variety ofВ and very inappropriate thoughts climbed into my head. She smiled involuntarily, remembering how aВ school friend taught me toВ walk inВ aВ miniskirt and high heels. At that time, IВ could only clatter with the gait ofВ aВ lame, crooked-legged grasshopper, that is, with my knees forward. Then aВ friend taught me how toВ paint.

And here we are so cool and fashionable went for a walk. Many approached with the aim of getting acquainted, at least it seemed to me so. For some reason, phrases such as: “Girls, doesn’t your mother need a son-in-law?” were infuriating. “My mother needs a heavy machine gun or a bigger broom to drive some away,” I usually answered coldly and that was it, the “renters” left. A friend held a master class, explaining and showing how to flirt and flirt beautifully. This is probably why she got married after school, and I went to the capital. The spoon left in the cup with which I always drank tea or coffee did not increase my chances of marriage either; and the habit of sitting on the corner of the table (yeah, right on top). Superstitious in the subject, the rest – do not fill your head with nonsense.

I didn’t like pretending to be someone I’m not. Maybe that’s why I didn’t have any friends. There was a time when I tried to fall under stereotypes, not to stand out from the crowd, to become a gray mass. Something didn’t work out. And maybe it’s for the best.

IВ woke up abruptly, as if doused with cold water. Remembering that she was going toВ go toВ the store for bread, she quickly pulled on jeans, aВ jacket with aВ windbreaker and hurried toВ leave the huge anthill ofВ the hostel. For aВ walk, IВ chose aВ distant grocery store located aВ couple ofВ blocks away and bought bread, slowly returning back.

It was warm outside, but the rare slush from the reagents that were sprinkled on the ice did not allow us toВ fully enjoy the walk. Nodding inВ time toВ the music, she could hardly keep herself from singing along. Headphones slipped, IВ had toВ correct them. But IВ slowly walked along the sidewalk.

There were many people, but they were all united by one thing – an absent stupid look. As if these people have already burned their lives long ago and now continue to exist. Sometimes live sparkling eyes came across, and then my gaze was already riveted to this person.

I was so carried away by my observations that I did not look around when I was crossing the road and… I captured the whistle of tires on dry pavement only at the very edge of my consciousness. I turned around, feeling the earpiece pop out of my ear at the same time. I felt as if someone had pulled my windbreaker from behind. I took a step back, stumbled over the curb and fell, hitting my ass painfully.

– Stupid! – shouted the driver, flying a few centimeters away from me and carried away into a happy unknown.

I looked back. There was no one around. Maybe a flair? Or did it seem? I looked at myself in surprise, thanking the guiding star for miraculously not being hurt. The ass, although it was repulsed, reminded me that I was alive, healthy and almost unharmed. Whatever it is, I’m lucky.

With this strange feeling, IВ walked about six meters, when suddenly!

– Hi! A heavy hand landed on my shoulder.

Startled inВ surprise. IВ elbowed back andВ hit.

“This is how you greet your friends,” Vosmyachkin remarked reproachfully, rubbing his bruised side. It cannot be said that the blow came out strong, but still sensitive.

“You know that you can’t approach me like that from the back,” I noticed with a reproach and a slight hint of irritation, pulling the second earpiece out of my ear and, exhaling, spoke more calmly. – Hi. What fates?

– Went for pasta.

I suddenly noted to myself that I was mentally addressing the guy by his last name, forgetting about his name. And his name was Dima. But for some reason, in my perception, the name was lost and only carefree and cheerful remained – Vosmyachkin.

– Listen, when I checked the tasks, I noticed that you did not fully understand the topic of differential equations. If you want, we can work out together.

He blushed.

“Let’s not today,” I answered softly, hoping that next time it would be even easier to dodge. I have more plans for today.

Despite the fact that IВ wanted toВ be alone, Dima volunteered toВ take me toВ the hostel, telling me, as if giving aВ lecture, examples ofВ solving problems and theorems. Perhaps this is how he tried toВ show me his knowledge, or maybe he was so inept inВ aВ square dance. It is hard toВ say. My thoughts were still returning toВ my miraculous salvation, for which there seemed toВ be logical explanations, but there seemed toВ beВ no.

Saying goodbye toВ Vosmyachkin on the threshold and citing poor health, IВ closed the door right inВ front ofВ his nose. After thinking, she grabbed her textbook and headed toВ the roof. The subject was called Applied Psychology ofВ Magic. AВ very strange item. Each paragraph seemed like aВ hodgepodge ofВ elementary psychology, philosophy, and beautiful quotes from various famous people. What was written here was inВ no way confirmed inВ words. It was both strange and curious and stupid at the same time. IВ smoked my second cigarette, almost furiously reading the textbook, delving into the subject and realizing that inВ the future there could be serious problems with passing the exam.

– Hi.

IВ turned around. Michaelis was standing behind me. Hastily, IВ stubbed out the smoldering cigarette into the small ashtray IВ used toВ carry around so as not toВ scatter cigarette butts everywhere.

– Hello, – for some reason it became light and light again. All fears and doubts receded. Even though it seemed strange, it didn’t bother me.

– How are you? He stepped closer and sat next to her, crossing his legs at the ankles. Michaelis was not afraid to sit on the very edge. It was as if he didn’t know the feeling of fear at all.

I sighed. For some reason, I wanted to share my experiences and thoughts, but it’s stupid to dump everything on a person you hardly know. He was sitting very close and I could smell the incredible scent from his hair. Something subtly familiar and so dear, as if from childhood, warm and cozy.

“You can share your feelings with me,” he said calmly and seemed to trigger some kind of lever in me.

“I almost got hit by a car today, due to my own inattention,” I began. – A moment before the collision, I felt like someone was pulling me out from under the wheels. Such a strange feeling. But no one was around. And that’s how it might seem. Yes, but I clearly felt how my jacket was pulled, – I rolled my eyes. “We’re kind of taught magic here,” I nodded at the textbook. – And it feels like I’ll either get schizophrenic or… I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking this?

– So it’s important to you, Elizabeth.

I didn’t show how everything inside me turned to stone at the mention of my real name. Michaelis did not seem to pay attention to this, continuing his thought.

“Perhaps you were not destined to die that day. The world is more complicated and simpler than any of us can imagine. What is an incredible set of circumstances for one person may be just a job for someone else.

Michaelis shook his head from side toВ side.

“You should rest,” he finished softly. I agreed. Almost leaving the roof, I turned around and could have sworn that I saw subtle wings behind Michaelis. Six wings.

– Second chapter-

At the very least

Angels are not indifferent executors ofВ the will ofВ God;

they “rejoice over every penitent sinner”

OK. 15:10, that is, they are sincerely interested that the will ofВ God be carriedВ out;

Angelic beings live inВ ourВ time

(they cannot look into the future or travel from here toВ the past)

and limited byВ our space.

– Mom, pour me some tea, please, – Michael smiled charmingly. The woman, not hiding her disposition, began to hastily pour tea into mugs, but noticing the sadness in the guy’s eyes, she sympathetically asked:

– Have a fight?!

– I went too far… I’m constantly jealous, I can’t help myself, – he admitted. – I know it’s my fault. Got pissed off by accident.

Nodding, he took aВ sip ofВ his cup ofВ tea.

“Well, don’t touch her yet, it will cool down, later and make peace,” the woman smiled sympathetically. She, like many, liked Michael and she appreciated the directness in his words and actions. Knowing also the parents of a teenager, the woman created a positive image.

He shook his head and asked:

– What kind of tea? I’m too calm.

– It’s melissa with chamomile. Chamomile is soothing. I dry it on purpose. The only thing that helps me calmly fill out accounting reports and go to parent-teacher meetings.

– I left, I’ll take a walk with my girlfriends, – Elizabeth muttered angrily, deliberately ignoring Michael.

“Don’t forget the scarf, you’ll catch a cold,” the guy reminded him carefully, looking at the girl with loving eyes and knowing that just a little bit the girl catches a cold and gets sick.

“I’ll figure it out without you,” she snapped.

“Yes,” Mom slammed her hand on the table. – She wrapped herself in a scarf to the very tonsils. And you let’s gnaw chamomile.

With aВ displeased snort, Elizabeth still wound the charm over the collar ofВ her jacket.

– And call when you get home, – the guy looked at his watch, realizing that the anger at him had not yet gone. It was time for him to get ready, in the evening he needed to help his mother around the house and solve more problems, preparing for the future exam.

Elizabeth ignored him and ran away. Emotionally slapping his open palm with his fist, Michael noticed that the chamomile still works. It was only at home that he found a package with herbs and instructions for use in his backpack – his mother Elizabeth carefully wrapped daisies for him. She also called him, saying that her daughter had come home and was visiting Svetka. Sincerely thanking, the guy calmly started preparing for the exams. Matters of the heart are important, but it was not worth abandoning your studies either.

– Chapter 3-

MondayВ kids

Seraphim surround the throne ofВ the Lord,

protect it, praise the Lord with their songs.

The main duty ofВ the Cherubim is toВ guide people toВ the faith.

Cherubim stand at the gates ofВ paradise. They have more thanВ one

and immediately four faces looking inВ four directions:

human, eagle, bull andВ lion

The couple seemed to drag on longer than usual. Perhaps due to the fact that I spent the weekend reading the ill-fated textbook, I was bored at the lecture today. Until now, it all seemed like nonsense. Starting with wings. I was afraid to ask myself the main question, realizing that this could be the beginning of my mental disorders (or their continuation). I even started taking motherwort, hoping that it would help, but realizing that I saw what I saw. And I didn’t want to go into deep thought.

Batiushka talked about the peculiarities of religions, about faith. Lots of stuff. I listened with curiosity and some sadness. All this is surreal… I like to believe in what could be seen, touched, made an evil “bite” in the end. But… what will change? I still didn’t know all my classmates. Faces flashed and seemed to merge into one incomprehensible spot. I also sat alone. No one tried to establish communication with me, just as I did not pester anyone with questions. Only Vosmyachkin stubbornly offered his help in studying one or another subject. He often took notes from me and always found something to complain about. It seemed to be his way of starting a dialogue with me. I tried to treat such a manifestation of attention in my direction calmly and even condescendingly, because the rest of the stream stubbornly ignored Dimka, showing his disdain.

IВ shook my head.

The next day was no better or worse than the previous one. But it seemed to me that I would never get used to this vain capital. She made me sad and misunderstood. Michaelis still spent evenings with me on the roof. She didn’t understand why he was so upset. Basically, he preferred to silently look into the distance. Sometimes he started talking. And I was not clear. An ordinary guy, he was looking for himself in seclusion. I never saw him at the university. He never spoke about his studies. Wings, however, no longer seemed to be.

And I enjoyed spending time with him. Again and again. He did not like to talk about himself, diverting the dialogue to the side. I didn’t insist.

I don’t know what I was looking for in Michaelis, but for some reason I felt comfortable with him.

Sometimes I went to the pool, relaxed and just loved to think… about the eternal. Rarely has anyone been here. I liked being able to swim alone. Once I accidentally turned off the light. But it was great. Light poured into small windows under the very ceiling, bizarrely reflected from the tiles, it found its place in a silvery glow in the water surface, rustling and shimmering with sparks. An amazing sight.

The next evening, having splashed enough, IВ went toВ the shower room, and from there toВ the locker room. She glanced at herself inВ the mirror. Short, skinny. Perhaps too thin, looks sickly and even anorexic. Medium length hair. Well, although the shade is closer toВ ashen than toВ gold, the truth is that this does not save me from hackneyed jokes about the mental abilities ofВ blondes, sadly.

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