Maxim Titovets "The Maiden Forest. A play in two acts"

Fyodor. AВ lady from Haiti! Fiction-mongers. [He puts the shaver away.]

Venya. Feeling funny inВ the morning.

Alexey. You’re just hungry, I guess.

Venya. We had aВ three mile foot-slog. Je ne mange pas six jours!

Fyodor [ToВ Alexey.] Where is your driver?

Alexey. IВ gave him aВ day off. This proletarian had an urge toВ get here today byВ aВ suburban train.

Venya. You should be aВ man ofВ the people, Mister Former Deputy.

Alexey. Eat your heart out, Comrade Former Komsomol Leader. Your time is over.

Venya. Mon tam viend-rah!

Alexey. IВ doubt even aВ French teacher can helpВ him.

Fyodor. Enough of this dogfight, fellas. Break! Let’s get some breakfast.

Venya. He keeps teasing me! About the teacher. Maybe IВ would like toВ marry aВ rich French madame?

Alexey. A bloody bridegroom…

Venya. Opportunist!

Alexey. Look at a conformist’s talking.

As the three ofВ them get toВ the house porch, Natalia approaches the gate.

Venya. Oh wow! Heave ho! Jiggers, fellas.

Alexey. Who isВ she?

Venya. Some pretty young lady.

Fyodor. Hold on a sec. We’re going to figure it out.

Natalia. You don’t have a dog, do you? I’ll drop in. [She enters Fyodor’s garden plot and approaches the house.] Morning.

Fyodor. Hello there!

Venya. Bon-zhoor!

Natalia. Good morning. [She nods to Alexey and Veniamin, they bow to her, both pleased as dogs with two tails.] I am sorry to come so early in the morning. Hope I don’t disturb you.

Alexey. We are inВ the Maiden Forest, after all. Beautiful ladies are always welcome!

Natalia. Thank you. My name is Natalia.

Fyodor. Nice to meet you, Natalia. I am Fyodor. And these are my friends. [Nodding at Venya and Alexey.] Alexey Khromov and Veniamin… What is your last name, Venya?

Venya. Veniamin Frostin. [He holds out his hand toВ Natalia, she gives it aВ shake.] EnchantГ©, Natalia.

Fyodor. Veniamin… oh dear.

Alexey. Nice toВ meet you, Natalia. [He gently pushes Venya aside and holds out his hand toВ Natalia, she shakes it as well.]

Natalia. Oh. So much attention. You’re making me blush.

Fyodor. We do love guests.

Alexey. Your face seems somehow very familiar.

Natalia. You are mistaken, Alexey. We have never met before.

Fyodor. Natalia, what brings you toВ my humble dwelling today?

Venya. Kes-keu-seh?

Natalia. My female friend and IВ are going toВ the Sunny Beach Recreation Center. GPS navigator showed the shortest route which runs through your settlement.

Fyodor. So, you came here with aВ friend?

Alexey and Venya exchange meaningful glances and say inВ unison:

Venya, Alexey. And where isВ she?

Natalia. She is inВ theВ car.

Alexey. Curious.

Natalia. Our car got aВ flat. We tried toВ pump the tire up with aВ compressor but failed.

Venya. It might have been punctured.

Fyodor. Have you got aВ spare?

Natalia. We can’t get it out.

Fyodor. Well, this can be easily mended. Fellas, go eat your breakfast while IВ have aВ look.

Alexey. Yeah, right. Just for the record, Natalia, inВ my younger days, after IВ left the army, IВ had spent two years working inВ aВ tire shop.

Natalia. You can call me Natasha.

Alexey. And you can call me Alexey. Where is yourВ car?

Natalia. Around the corner. InВ the next street.

Venya. I’ll come with you!

Fyodor. What would we do withoutВ you?

Alexey. Venya is notorious for being aВ bungler.

Venya. Natalia, everything will be treh bi-ahn! [He takes off his backpack, casually throws it on the bench inВ the gazebo, and gestures toВ the gate, asking Natalia toВ follow.]

Fyodor, Natalia, and Venya head towards the exit into the street.

Alexey. Fyodor, where can IВ put my things? [Nodding at his traveling bag.]

Fyodor. Bring them in. There is no one around.

Alexey enters the house and almost immediately appears again, without his traveling bag and jacket, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Fyodor, Venya, and Natalia wait for Alexey byВ the gate. Then all ofВ them go outside.

Alexey. Let’s go. Natasha, show us the way.

Venya. Let me share a joke. A while back Chapayev and Petka were crossing the Israeli border…

The four ofВ them leave.

As soon as they pass out ofВ sight, Moray and Artyom appear on the other side ofВ the street. They approach the gate and pass through it. Moray keeps watch at the gate. Artyom quickly approaches the house, enters byВ the unlocked door. He spends some time inside, then goes out with aВ cased hunting rifle inВ his hands and aВ box ofВ bullets inВ the welt pocket ofВ his jacket and comes back toВ the gate.

Moray. Nicely done, Jacket!

Artyom. Keep under the radar, Moray.

Artyom and Moray go off inВ the same direction they came from.

SceneВ 2

The same morning. Moray’s house next street from Fyodor’s house.

Chopper is sitting inВ an armchair and fiddling around with an old mobile phone.

Chopper [Pressing the call button.] Karen! Everyone is inВ place. Wait for the signal at midnight.

Slav enters. Chopper stops the call.

Slav. Chopper, all right. The old geezers departed. Jacket and Moray went inside.

Chopper. Few surprises there. Natasha is the best drink-spiker on the block.

Slav. Yeah, this bitch knows how toВ wrap men around her finger!

Chopper. YouВ bet!

Slav. Why would we even need this rifle?

Chopper. It is Frost’s order. It has to be done.

Slav. And what if Kolosov realizes?

Chopper. I don’t want him to bang away at us when we pull off the job.

Slav. [Opening the furnace door and throwing more birch logs on the fire.] Damned moisture.

Pause.

Slav. We have been stranded here all night. Whose digs are these?

Chopper. It is Moray’s house. It was passed down to him from his folks.

Slav. They must have died a long time ago. [He takes an old photograph off the table and reads the text on the reverse side of it.] «August. 1997. I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…» [He takes out a lighter, sets the photograph on fire, and throws it on a plate lying on the table]. My father got a garden plot here as well. But this drunkard never built anything there. The land went for nothing.

Chopper. A man only seeks for happiness but never has it. And it doesn’t even exist. Slav!

Slav.В Eh?

Chopper. Try it on. It’s just your size. [He throws a parcel with clothes to Slav.]

Slav unwraps the parcel.

Slav. You can’t be serious, Chopper…

Chopper. A must is a must. It’s gonna get hairy at night.

Slav changes into the police uniform, puts on the peaked cap, and puts steel handcuffs into his pocket.

Slav. IВ look nothing like aВ cop.

Chopper. We are going toВ check it soon.

Slav. Jacket and Moray… I don’t like these two. How come Frost knows them?

Chopper. It’s none of your affairs. Frost vouched for them.

Slav. The chumps will get off as soon as it hits the fan. You and IВ are sticking our necksВ out.